


Polar Bear in a Field of Snow

by Lady_Anne_ONymous



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21754735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anne_ONymous/pseuds/Lady_Anne_ONymous
Summary: The Winter Soldier was captured mere hours after the Helicarriers fell. But Bucky's struggle is not over so quickly.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Friendship - Relationship
Kudos: 21





	Polar Bear in a Field of Snow

SHIELD had captured the Winter Soldier mere _hours_ after the Helicarriers went down, two lucky agents having found him collapsed in an alley. (After all, even a supersoldier couldn't get out of a street fight with Captain America without massive injuries, even if he _had_ been holding back…) Tony had fought for _days_ to get custody, finally showing the Hulk Tank to anyone who needed to see it… even after Steve had woken up and told him what Zola had implied.

 _"Cap," he'd said, "I've seen the Hydra videos that got released… which were one of the_ many _things JARVIS scrubbed off the net, BTW… So you should_ definitely _thank him… Not only are you one of my few friends, but what was done to him was…"_

_Tony stopped talking and just let out a soul-deep shudder before going on. "Anyway… I'm not saying we'll be best friends or anything, but he deserves a chance."_

_"Thank you, Tony," Steve said with a sigh. "And thank you for understanding why we didn't call. It certainly_ wasn't _because we didn't think we could trust you or didn't want you there. I know you're still hurting from having the arc reactor removed."_

That was six months ago, and things had slowly, but steadily, progressed. Bucky had different kinds of therapy every day, to treat everything from his conditioning to his memory loss and mood swings. He had very quickly been released from the Hulk Tank and allowed to move to Steve's floor once his therapists had decided he was no more likely to go on a killing spree than any other Vet with PTSD.

There was just one thing…

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

"Please, Steve, you have to stop. I can't… I'm not…" Bucky stopped pacing for a moment, looking through the floor to ceiling windows as he gathered his thoughts. "I'm not _him_. I'm not. I try to be him but I can't. It's like…" He sighed. "I'm like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle. Only, it's a picture of a polar bear in the snow, just two black dots in a field of white. And the box is there, but most of the pieces are missing and what _is there_ … Nothing connects to anything else. I get little hints and flashes, but Hydra burned him outta me but good… and I don't think he's coming back."

Steve slowly stood up from the couch, big body trembling as he reached out and set a shaking hand on Bucky's forearm, not realizing, or caring, that it was the prosthetic. "I'm sorry, Buck. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like _you_ aren't enough. Whether you have all of your memories of before or none at all, it's fine either way. Okay? Does it hurt when I see a flash of the old you and then it's gone? Yeah, it does. But _you_ are enough. I loved the old you and I love the new you. No matter what, you are a good, kind, _wonderful_ person and that's all I need."

"But…" Bucky said in a small voice, "you always say you want me to get _better_ … like there's something wrong with who I am now."

Steve couldn't resist the urge to pull him into a tight hug, whispering into his ear. "If that's what you thought I meant, then I can not possibly say how sorry I am. That is _not_ what I've ever meant. I mean that I want you to be… the best _you_ you can be. I want you happy and healthy. I want you to… I want you to love you as much as I do. You've come _so_ far. You're sleeping in a bed now, not the closet. Our friends can usually touch you and you don't freeze up. The fact that we're _having_ this conversation means you're not afraid to speak up for yourself anymore. _That's_ what I mean by getting better. Nothing more. You _are_ enough, even if you're not the same Bucky that I grew up with. Does that make sense?"

Bucky nodded and squeezed him tight before stepping back. "Thank you, Stevie."


End file.
